10 Guidelines for Musical Theatre Composers

1. If you write a ballad, you may not use the word "yearning" or any conjugation thereof.

2. If you are writing a historical musical, you may not use the phrase "some folks say" or "some folks" in any exposition. Try to avoid using the word "folks" at all. It rhymes with "yolks."

3. No screaming. Let's stick to singing.

4. If your plot requires a metaphor for freedom, you may no longer use flying or flight. You may use concepts like open water, but avoid conceits that involve the sky. Other acceptable metaphors may involve bathing, especially if there is nudity (it helps sell tickets).

5. No musicals starring animals, superheros, or anything you can find in a Pottery Barn or Williams-Sonoma. (Sorry, Disney. Sorry, Julie.) For that matter, leave off of the cartoon genre. Cartoons defy physics in a way that human actors can't.

6. I know someone is thinking about it, so let me head you off at the pass: no Beatles musical, please. The Beatles are fine the way they are, and they don't need your help.

7. While we're at it, let's not do anything else I can find in a jukebox. (In ten years - maybe less - these will be called "iPod musicals." When was the last time you saw an actual jukebox?)

8. Write a musical with Tom Stoppard.

9. Read a book. There are a lot of really good musicals based on really good books.

10. Resist the urge to have a character sing to or about the following topics/items:
  • facebook
  • a cell phone
  • a laptop
  • twitter
  • the internet
Aside from the obvious inanity, imagine the footnotes in the playbill for the 2031 revival at Lincoln Center.

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